Reference :- Senator Bridget McKenzie commissioned a 160, 000 quid survey .

Reference :-  While the auditors searched for , and found , evidence revealing the LNP  sports grant rort , they also discovered that a 160 grand survey had been commissioned by the good senator .

Indeed , that is a lot of dough for a survey that reached no conclusion.  The purpose of the survey was to determine if Ms McKenzie's favoured sport ,  shooting , was good for one's health .   That would be a pretty hard thing to decide , in my books , because there are so many variables .  You would have to survey people who drove to a gun  club , but didn't shoot , in case the excursion itself was good for your ticker .   And give people guns to clean and look after without going shooting to see if a chemical in the cleaning  material lowered your cholesterol level.  . Or maybe even if you never cleaned it or shot it , having a firearm made you feel safer , and lowered your systolic blood pressure .
 You can see the problem.   Nonetheless , my son Ken junior is prepared to fish out all that kind of data in a fresh survey which he says he can run for a measly ten grand .    He figures he needs about two weeks to make a few phone calls and roneo off the questionnaires .   I trust you will view his tender favourably in view of his professionalism .

 Personally , I figure being a shooter is obviously a lot better for your health than being the one who is getting shot .    And although that is only an anecdotal observation , I think it indicates we are on the right track with this .

                Happy shooting ,    Your comrade , Ken

Reference :- Andy ( I am not a climate change denialist ) Bolt is back !! Sort of .

Reference :-   Yesterday's local newspaper ran a full page of Andy Bolt's cutting edge journalism .   It was impossible to determine whether it was an actual article or a paid advertisement from Sky News , but what a treat it was to enjoy Australia's most read columnist over a morning cuppa .

Thanks Andy . You managed to squeeze two illuminating articles on to the page  , and as usual ,both are worthy of comment .

 I see you are still relentlessly pursuing the truth regarding the genetic heritage of author and experienced  firefighter Mr Bruce Pascoe .  The Australian Federal Police have dismissed allegations against him . I guess they have many more pressing investigations into high level corruption to deal with , so good on you for not giving up.  

Mr Pascoe  may be a nice bloke who has warned us about the importance of controlled burns for years , but it is clearly a danger to the nation if his belief that he has an aboriginal ancestor is mistaken .  He  does claim that only a fraction of a smidgen of his blood contains indigenous corpuscles .  But that may be untrue . It's obviously difficult to confirm  , what with all those massacres and forced relocations over the years  , but a thorough investigation is clearly in the national interest .  I feel certain you are just the man to tease the facts from the wild claims and the racism .  

  I tried to get my son Ken junior to read that part of your advertisement , or column if you prefer ,  but half way through he lost interest and nodded off.    Sadly, unlike us ,  many young ones don't value the truth anymore .

 The bigger headline on your page informed us that global warming is good for us .  The farmers around here are certainly glad to read  that , especially since you referenced the sources leading you to arrive at that conclusion .   I see you are still telling climate scientist  Professor Pitman what he thinks .   It's a bit rich of him to keep claiming you have quoted him out of context . Who does he think he is ?  Nobody has the right to explain that articles written about them don't reflect their actual opinion .  Clearly you know what his opinion is , not him. 

But Andy , I do worry about your relationship with young Rowan Dean,  the prancing presenter of polar proliferation who sneers his way through the " Outsiders " weather reports .    You and Dean have always stuck to your opinion that there is no global warming.    For example , you have told fire chiefs they are crazy for believing it ,  activists that they are unscientific loonies ,  Westpac that they are fools for pandering to the global warming nonsense and so on .

Now that you have changed your mind and believe in global warming , does that mean you and Rowan have fallen out ?    You have to be careful there , because Sky News relies heavily on interviewing it's own employees , so losing Rowan would severely limit your options.

Anyway ,  when Ken junior woke up I told  him about your recent 180 degree switcheroo regarding global warming .  And I told him all that stuff you wrote  about changes in the Indian Ocean Dipole being the cause of the drought , not climate change .  But the silly bugger said that the problem is that the dipole was being altered by climate change .   I ask you , where is the logic in that ?   It's like those ridiculous ads on the television that say drink driving  kills .  Drink driving is quite safe ,  crashing into things is what kills  .         

  Like you, I deplore the way logic takes a back seat in most debates  these days.  

  

        Your comrade ,  Ken .     

Reference :- Sky anchor Paul Murray made a very moving Australia Day speech.

Reference :-  It's now 250 years since Australia was visited by Captain Cook.   How time flies . He would hardly recognise the place now .

 You did your man cave proud with that Australia Day speech Paul.   And focusing as you did on nostalgia and the unflagging passage of time was a wise choice . Nostalgia has been around for a long time now , at least since when I was a kid , and it can always be relied upon to tenderise the hardest of hearts .

 Those lovely films of multicultural Australia enjoying a day of celebration under a smoke  free sky were well chosen .  Although Ken junior's mate  Gabbo ( the aborigine ) said he looked , but couldn't see an aborigine or even an individual of non european ethnicity anywhere in the footage you chose .    I told him that it was not intentional , and that sometimes in our enthusiasm for celebrating with our mates we subconsciously forget the folk with whom we are less comfortable .

 All that stuff you said  about time was a bit confusing , but time is like that .  At first you referenced the things from our past you are proud of , since these are what define us .  But then you quickly skipped over a few appalling atrocities from the past and said the past did not define us and the future is unwritten.

Ken junior pointed out that saying the future is unwritten contradicts the block theory of time elaborated by physicists as a natural consequence  of Einstein's General Theory of Relativity , but I told the annoying little bugger to shut up .  And just as well he did , or we would have missed the bit where you explained that not just us , but every country in the world throughout all of history has committed appalling atrocities because that is what humans do.   Brilliant observation Paul , and what a relief to hear .  We will all sleep better tonight  .

Anyway , can I ask a favour ?    Would you be able to post us a copy of your speech ? It is destined to be a classic , and I would like to staple it into the back of my copy of the fourth edition of
 " The Worlds Greatest Speeches "  by Lewis Copeland .   It is a magnificent compendium of 292 speeches , and yours deserves a place as the 293rd .   

  Ours  is a second hand paperback copy that I picked up at the Kooralya school fete for two quid , and most of the pages are dog- eared but to my mind that only adds dignity to the brilliance of it's contents . 

   Happy man caving  .   Your comrade ,  Ken .

Reference :- Sky News hasn't said much about the death of Mr Morrison's father .

Reference :-  The Sky anchors have been rather quiet on the occasion of Mr Morrison's bereavement . Why is that ?

 Hello there at Sky News.  You all seem a bit shy about discussing Mr Morrison's loss of his father .   It can be awkward trying to work out something to say , but it looks a bit rude if you say next to nothing .  Maybe you can get Alan Jones to do an obituary ?  He had lots to say when former Prime Minister Julia Gillard lost her father .   But though Jonesie is a sensitive and well meaning type , it might be wise to remind him to leave out that bit about fathers dying of shame because their child is  a liar .

Julia herself handled that accidental remark of Jonesie's with dignity , but I think that Mr Morrison may not be so courageous .   Whatever you do don't broadcast the segment live, so you have a chance to edit out any unintended heartless attacks that can occasionally slip in when a presenter is anxious. 

 Also , if you are chatting with Mr Morrison, remind him to say little about his father to the press.  Another former Prime Minister , Mr Bill Shorten was pilloried by the tabloids after he made a few remarks praising his deceased mother .   Sadly , we really seem to have a problem dealing with death here in the advanced nations .            

 Your comrade , Ken

       
   
 

Reference :- The Sky Reply enjoyed a night of hilarity .

Reference :-   Ken junior reckoned we were all getting a bit too serious and needed to chill, so he roped us all into helping him cook up a batch of his special herb cookies .  We ate quite a few in the process, and  had so much fun we forgot how to do our usual bizarre punctuation .

We all ended up in Monte's home made Balinese hut munching on cookies like a puppy on an expensive sandshoe because last year Monte went to Bali on an excursion organised by one of his teachers  and says he had the best time ever and couldn't wait to knock up his own Balinese hut when he got home and initially the teacher was going to help out but then the teacher had to go to a state of the art urology facility in Sydney for some reason and we never saw him again but Monte did a great job using empty beer cans and lots of those styrofoam boxes that mangoes come in because you can carve those boxes any shape you like then glue them together slap on some orange and green paint and you'd swear you were out the back of a pub in Seminyak so Ken junior put a Hendrix album on the turntable and in no time the onerous responsibility of editing The Sky Reply was forgotten along with the abilty to punctuate and Gabbo started telling dreamtime legends and before I knew it the lads were expounding theories like wild things all about the state of the nation and it really made my heart sing then Monte said Andrew Bolt has been gone for so long because he's been visiting the cave so I said do you mean Paul Murray's new man cave but Monte said he meant the bushranger's cave up near Tenterfield where Andy's great grandad Thunder Bolt used to hide out and he said he thought Andy might be worried about it during the bushfires but Ken junior said it is probably a family tradition and each generation of Bolt males has to go there every Christmas to meditate and elaborate the following year's cruel neoliberal agenda then I said that maybe Andy was there to dry out after hitting the bottle too hard in the lead up to the joyful Christmas shopping jamboree but Gabbo said he believed Andy was actually Bender from Futurama in disguise and that he runs on alcohol but can't take too much and the aliens have taken him to a distant galaxy to spruce up the dark matter that cranks his hard drive and he will come back darker than ever then Gabbo laughed his head off picturing Andy in blackface but went on to say that he thinks the entire LNP is actually made of cloned aliens which is why they can travel all over the world in a flash because there is more than one clone for each of them and that's why the prime minister can be in Hawaii one minute and at a bushfire the next but sometimes the clones wear out and run haywire like the clone of Scott Morrison that wandered around the bushfires like a zombie scaring people and or that one of Angus Taylor that went to Spain and spoke gibberish at a climate conference and almost gave the game away so it looks like people are getting suspicious but will they work it out soon enough to stop the world being destroyed by free market capitalism leaving us unable to resist the impending alien invasion anyway man I think I might just chill and groove on the implications of that while I munch on another cookie your comrade Ken .

Reference :- The world's most admired Prime Minister , our very own Mr Scott Morrison , is taking control of the tourism crisis.

Reference :-   At last Mr Morrison's peerless expertise in marketing has come in handy for something besides pulling a fast one on nervous voters .

This is more like it Mr Morrison .   This is your big chance to regain credibility by getting something done with an enterprise you understand .  Yes , tourism , that wonderful industry devoted to building the expectations of the gullible and then mercilessly fleecing them .

But first there is the annoying sports grants scandal to deal with .  Don't worry ,  Attorney General Mr Christian Porter will have that under control.  Sports fans in his own electorate raked in more spondula than a crooked casino , which doubled his margin in the last election .  He is hardly going to implicate himself is he ?    A sensible outcome , quickly achieved , is to have him send Ms McKenzie packing , mumble a few excuses and move on .   These days blatant peculation is quickly forgotten .

The independent communist press has gone to great pains to uncover figures revealing that the most expensive clubs ,where elite members enjoy ocean views and fine cuisine , scooped up bigger grants than those struggling clubs with fibro walls , no air con , and a squeeky ceiling fan .    You can run the excuse that obviously it costs more to polish chandeliers made from bohemian crystal at a top class venue , than it does to put an " OUT OF ORDER  " sign on the door of the  WC  in a venue frequented by the great unwashed .

I reckon just say something like that , and move on to talking about the 70 million going towards tourism .   But beware .   After Mr Turnbull shovelled 500 million of  "save the reef " cash to some dodgy privateers , sans tender , and sans checking their bonafides , you had better be sure that those 70 million end up in the sweaty palms of plausible advertising experts ( assuming such experts even exist ).

 The last thing you need at this time is more awkward questions being asked .    Luckily for him , you managed to betray and usurp Mr Turnbull before he had to answer too many questions about that shady "save the reef "  deal.  Those 500 million quid have never been heard of since . Maybe some of it is paying for that plastic reef they a building at the Gold Coast to suck in the tourists when the real reef finally curls up it's pinkies?

  And Mr Morrison , sir .  I hope you don't mind receiving advice from The Sky Reply .   We do it as a public service , financed by small local donations , so as you can see ,we are in no way political .

 Your comrade , Ken 
 

Reference :- The kids are feeling a bit guilty about giving Sky anchor Paul Murray a hard time .

Reference:-     The kids just saw some photographs of Paul Murray proudly ensconced in his new "man cave " studio , and he looks so happy that they feel sorry for their recent remarks and wish to make amends .

Great "man cave " Paul.   Personally I don't have a " man cave "myself , just a shed full of tools and equipment for performing useful tasks .   I call it a workshop , although these days that often means a place where people gather to discuss the minutiae of gender bias in holiday brochures , or  group therapy for self help , or something similar .  But that is not meant to take anything away from your man cave with the charming fake industrial look and the various momentos you hold dear . 

It's an interesting  moniker  ,"man cave ".   It has a no -nonsense neanderthal flavour that imbues the
concept with a certain anti -intellectualism .   Well done .    The kids are impressed by your collectors items , and the artwork .   They like the picture of the Harbour Bridge free of soot . I pointed out that it looks like an image on a flat screen powered by electricity ,which is doubtless your subtle way of saying that access to cheap electrons is a basic human right .

 Monte loves your model of the hot Kingswood  , and tells me he thinks it is a HJ model , probably with a 308 and a Holley four barrel.   They may guzzle gas , but they don't make them like that anymore . Remember when the more petrol futilely wasted by your conveyance , the more impressed  your mates were ?  Those were the days .

 Ken junior wants to know if that is a lute on the bottom shelf , and what kind of songs do you play?

And Gabbo wants to know if the model ship is Captain Cook's bark   "Endeavour " .   He cant quite see if it has three masts or only two , in which case he says it is a brigantine and not captain Cook's vessel .

You don't really have to reply Paul, the lads are just trying to be friendly after having a go at you in the last post .    I daresay you probably do the same when you unfairly castigate a celebrity on the spur of the moment and later regret it .   Its all a learning curve for the young ones .

Happy man caving . 

 Your comrade , Ken   

   

 

 

Reference :- Sky anchor Paul Murray is back , angrier than ever .

Reference :-     Paul Murray seemed to think he was being clever  by referring to Prince Charles as" Chuck "  .  That started one of those interesting discussions among the kids .

You sure have hit the deck running when it comes to insults  Paul.   I don't bother checking your ratings , so you are in a better position to judge whether insulting somebody from a safe distance increases  them or not .  The psychology of your particular " brand "  is something I don't wish to explore .  It would be like searching in the toilet for a little plastic tooth filling you recently swallowed . Very unpleasant , and then what use is it anyway ?

 None of us out here are flag waving royalists or anything , but calling Prince Charles  "Chuck " ( and not just once . you seemed to get so much pleasure from it that once was not enough )  has got people talking way out here .    I guess we are sick of conversing  about fires and drought , and the meaty discussion we had concerning the ethics of name calling behind somebody's back was a  useful distraction .

My son Ken junior's  mate , Monte (the motorcyclist ),  thinks you might also refer to other prominent figures by the name " Chuck " .    You know,  for example , that scientist fellow whose theory  forever changed our view of nature and was later confirmed by the discovery of the molecular structure of the DNA double helix made from nitrogenous bases attached to linked nucleotides .  Monte reckons you would call him "Chuck" Darwin .    Or the silent movie comedy genius who brazenly ridiculed that genocidal German bloke with the funny moustache  in his movie " The Great Dictator " . Monte reckons you would call him "Chuck" Chaplin.   He even reckons you would call  Hollywood based psychotic murderer Charles Manson  "Chuck" , for short .

Well these gentleman are dead , but Ken junior reckons you wouldn't have the nerve to use a demeaning nickname to somebody's face .    Is that true Paul ?   You sometimes look big and bearded and manly in the right light , before you open your mouth .  Ken junior reckons that if you were invited to  Buckingham  Palace to have a cuppa with the Queen's family ,  you wouldn't be game to call  Prince Charles "Chuck"  to his actual face .  What do you think ?  At the local school it is considered bad form to call somebody names behind their  back . The kids say it is gutless .

 Ken junior's mate, Gabbo ( the aborigine ) ,has had to deal with the occasional name calling over the years , and he just laughs it off when it happens to his face .   He reckons the only person demeaned is the person trying to look clever at somebody else's expense .   He laughed and said I wonder if Mr Murray would call  Charles Manson  "Chuck" to his face in some dark lonely place off the edge of Mulholland Drive .

 Anyway Paul , the upshot of it all is that you have lost a few viewers up our way.
 But never mind ,  they are only kids with a sense of decency , and you won't have any trouble finding a few dolts to replace them .  

  Your comrade , Ken 

Reference :- Peta Credlin seems disappointed that the fires have distracted people from Australia Day .

Reference :-    Many weeks back Sky Anchor Rita Panahi anticipated that " miserable moaners '' would ruin Australia day , but fellow cutting edge journalist Peta Credlin is worried that the fires might distract them .

 What a waste of a good Australia day , hey Peta .   Weeks ago  The Sky Reply offered a great headline for Rita to use this year , gratis .   If you recall , it was  " Hysterical Halfwits Hijack Holiday " .    All is probably not yet lost , and she may still be able to use it , so don't panic yet .  The beauty of it is that the "halfwit " moniker is nice and general .  If the leftie vultures are too busy complaining about unprecedented conflagrations or whatever else they have made up , there is bound to be a hard done by pack of idiots voicing upset about something somewhere within the national boarders . Rita can concentrate on them , and it is amazing how a good photographer can make a few protesters look as big as the crowd at one of those footy tournaments .  

 That's the trouble with the lefties , they cant always be relied upon to whinge at the right time , and they are easily distracted by a few million hectares of uncontrollable infernos . 

Don't let it get to you .    Your comrade , Ken

Reference :- Former Prime Minister and talented boxer Mr Tony Abbott called climate change a new religion .

Reference:-  In a recent  statement , Mr Tony Abbott likened belief in climate change to religious dogma.

That's an interesting slant Tony .  Doubtless your training as a Roman Catholic seminarian has given you considerable insight into religious dogma , but surveys reveal that scientists have a tendency to be either atheists or agnostics , and many of those who claim to have a spiritual belief do not accept any specific dogma .    So the scientists doing the research and informing us of the dangers are not particularly inclined to support a dogma devoid of evidence.

 Perhaps you and Mr Morrison with his Hillsong clappers are more susceptible to accepting dogma ?
 Obviously Mr Morrison has backed the wrong horse , and should be a catholic , but you know what I mean .  My point is ,Tony, perhaps you chaps are clinging to a climate denial dogma ?
Just a thought .

 Out here at Kooralya  we are not particularly into ancient superstitions or tax deductible cults . 
 The church burned down some years back , and we didn't rebuild it .  Well for starters there was no money , and then we realized we could store hay at the abandoned railway station instead , and it hasn't been missed .    The church, that is , we sure do miss the trains , but apparently there was no money to be made out of public transport or freight , which the trucking companies were kind enough to explain to the government back in the days when I still had hair.

 I hope you don't mind this gentle feedback.  You are one of our most astute ousted politicians , and
 you deserve to be kept in the loop of public opinion .   

 Your comrade ,  Ken.

Reference :- It appears that cabinet minister Bridget McKenzie went on quite a spending spree.

Reference :-     Deputy Leader of the National Party , Bridget McKenzie slipped 36,000 quid of grant money to her shooting club in Wangaratta .  Oh , and was so busy blasting away that she forgot to mention it .

Never mind Bridget , all will be forgiven .   A mere 36 grand pales when compared with the destination of much of the other 100 million you gave yourself the right to spend .  Shame on the press for reporting it as though it was some kind of deplorable turpitude .

We have a shooting club up here in Kooralya .   My son Ken junior , and his mates  Monte ( the motorcyclist ) and Gabbo ( the aborigine ) are keen members .   Since they are also keen pigeon racers , they baulked at the expression " clay pigeon shooting ", and prefer to call their targets "clay cane toads " .   

The lads thought you might like to come up for a day , and show them a few pointers . You have to be a member , but they are prepared to sign you in gratis , and supply sausages and coleslaw for lunch .  ( If you are a vegan , let us know and we can do a baked spud instead )

The break would do you good , especially since the tabloids have been giving you a flogging of late .   Thank heavens  Mr Morrison has your back . He is a skilled marketer and your "brand"  , as they say these days , will be back on the top shelf before you know it .
You are quite welcome to stay in the sleep out , and we should have finished putting a door on it by the time you get here .  Not that it is unsafe here in Kooralya , but it will keep the mosies out .

 Do you enjoy the occasional wager ?    Gabbo ( the aborigine ) reckons he is a crack shot  with a firearm because  he is related to a soldier from WW2  he calls his great uncle Reg .     He reckons uncle Reg was made an officer during WW2 ,  though  he could be exaggerating .   Monte ( the motorcyclist ) looked it up in the Britannica , and thinks  it is true .  He reckons the black and white photo sure does look a lot like Gabbo.      
Anyway , Gabbo's shooting makes Annie Oakley look like a beginner , and he is keen to take you on .
 Without being too presumptuous , are you able to swing a grant our way ?    We could do with some solar panels on the club house  .  My son , Ken junior , recently fitted solar to our outhouse  , and did a marvelous job .    A grant of 10 grand should cover it , and if there is any left over we might be able to refill the water tank as well.

If you can help us , we will make sure your visit coincides with  one of our  " free bottle of Pink Yellowglen  at every table "  lunch days .   We generally run those every second Tuesday , but will gladly  change the day to suit your  busy schedule .

  Looking forward to your reply ,    Your comrade , Ken .

Reference :- At last The Sky News anchors are returning from holidays .

Reference :-     Break open the popcorn , the Sky News anchors are trickling back from their holidays .  Hopefully they found some pleasant location within our boarders to spend their spondula .

 Peta , it's great to see the team back , and I hope you all had a nice break in some leafy part of the country free from fumes or conflagration.    I see you are already interviewing each other , with an insightful segment with fellow anchor Rita Panahi to start the ball rolling .   There has not been enough Sky News navel gazing lately , and how refreshing it is to see cutting edge journalists mirroring their own propaganda again .  Likewise ,  interviews with cherry picked experts have been disappointingly rare of late , and thankfully I see that is about to change.
 
 We haven't heard much about CO2 lately Peta , so thanks for reminding us that it is a colorless odorless gas , but do try to get the context right next time .   Mr Albanese was referring to the fumes and soot choking the air when he said he could smell climate change . I have heard it whispered that he too knows the properties of CO2  , possibly from his primary school days .

 Look , let me be frank .  You got off to a poor start for 2020, but who hasn't ?   Ask Mr Morrison how he feels . And Chris Kenny probably shouldn't have left the blocks . He launched his pugnacious style rather too earnestly in his first interview with  Mr Frydenberg .  Poor Josh , who seemed at first to be enthused by the prospect of a friendly natter with a political ally , became somewhat deflated as the interview progressed  . Eventually he looked as though he might have taken too many valium to steady his nerves before arriving at the studio .  

 Anyway Peta , the short misleading headlines to grab our attention were reasonable , though not yet fully up to scratch .   My son , Ken junior can't wait to see the experts you have lined up to refute climate change , and tell us that worse fires have happened before ,and that they are all the fault of the greenies .      Sky News has always been particularly good at cherry picking their own "experts " , and flaunting their credentials , while simultaneously subjecting the bona fides of the remaining 99 % to ridicule .    When your experts start rolling in , Ken junior says make  sure you have dusted down the special rack you must have for resting aluminium foil hats .

 And finally .  Sometimes one is surprised to discover something missing from the daily grind that they failed to notice until it returned .   In  this instance , as Ken junior and his mates have pointed out , it is the comments by your many dedicated and astute  fans  .  There is precious little in the way of comedy on the television set lately , so their return is appreciated .  A quick perusal of some of today's  efforts shows their quality is undiminished .   It must make you proud .

 We all look forward to another year of being told how to think by the anchors at Sky .

 Your comrade , Ken
  







  

Reference :- Today's Sky News headline featuring " sanctimonious simpletons " raised my hopes, but I was disappointed .

Reference :-    The alluring alliteration in the headline , " sanctimonious simpletons " gave me hope that Andy Bolt , Peta Credlin , Paul Murray , and the rest of them had come back from holidays . But no such luck.

 It's usually Sky anchor Rita Panahi who is allocated alliteration .  Oh , and who is that chap with the glasses who likes to laugh at the fashion sense and physique of the leaders of foreign powers ?   Oh that's right , Chris Kenny .  He is quite a card .  He reminds me of a cheeky boy we had in grade 3 at the old Kooralya State School.  .

   Sadly however , I was mistaken.  .  The Sky News anchors are still lying low , possibly on a beach in Hawaii, which seems to be the favoured location to weather the bushfire holocausts  these days .
It turns out that " sanctimonious simpletons " referred to those who feel that we should transition from coal to renewables .    Gifted economist and part time journalist Mr Mike Jeffreys  generously admitted a change to renewables  might be good in theory , but then stated  "where do we get the 5 trillion dollars ?".

Numbers like that have a tendency to develop a life of their own  , and start popping up everywhere like weeds in the garden , so defining them and confirming their accuracy is important .  Not that I am suggesting anybody just made this one up out of the blue . 

 Bloomberg (  I eschew the leftie propaganda  leaflets )  optimistically  quotes a figure of 7 trillion  in global investment opportunities available as the entire globe converts to renewables .   They quote a figure of  160 trillion in climate change costs that can be avoided by that 7 trillion investment . 

So a figure of 5 trillion just for our tiny population seems somewhat bloated  .   That is around 200,000 dollars for every person  in Australia .   Germany is achieving the same goal for around 10% of that per capita .  If we run with Germany's  costing , spread over twenty years that amounts to the price of ten cigarettes per week per person to save our arses .  I guess that might be worth it .  Anyway Mike , I think you may have got your figures from Angus Taylor , who despite his extensive training in economics,  obviously keeps forgetting to change the batteries in his calculator . 

Before I go , could I put in a word for my son , Ken junior ?   He figures if it is going to cost 200,000 per person to transition to renewables , he would like to offer his services in the sector .  He put a solar panel and a battery on the outhouse recently , so there is a light on at night . Especially Wednesday nights,  which is when his mate Gabbo ( the aborigine ) knocks up one of his extra hot beef vindaloo curries for us .   He says it cost bugger all and was easy to install , so he wouldn't mind getting in on the ground floor with solar installation locally .     He is willing to submit a quote at a very competitive 100,000 per person to get the contract , which according to your figures,  is half price .   You won't get a better deal than that anywhere .  

Although you have been undeservedly  pushed from the limelight lately , I am sure you still have a few connections and can score the contract .   As a  sweetener he has offered to mail Angus Taylor some batteries for his calculator if you forward his PO box address.   He says he  can label  the package  " SAMPLE " so there is no need for young Angus to declare a gift . 

Your comrade , Ken 

 .



      

Reference :- It looks like there has been some vote buying going on .

Reference :-    Senator Bridget McKenzie is on her back foot yet again . This time it's accusations of good old fashioned pork barrelling prior to the recent election  .

Good morning Senator . It's nice to see some rain isn't it ?  Look , I am sure that flicking half a million quid across to Tony Abbott's rowing club had nothing to do with the coming election , and who says you have to follow the recommendations of the Sport Australia Board anyway  ?   You are the senator after all , and furthermore , what was wrong with keeping the Labor MPs out in the cold when cheques were being waved about ?   I mean , it's not your job to make them look good in their own electorate is it ?

In my view , these accusations of pork barrelling are a bit rich . Buying votes is a time honoured tradition , everybody does it , so it seems unfair to single you out for mishandling a lazy 100 million quid or so .   Which brings me to this , if I may be so bold .

 My son , Ken junior , runs a racing pigeon club out here in Kooralya  .  A lot of the kids lost their birds in the fires , and what with the drought and all , the club is suffering badly .  This is a pretty marginal electorate , with a surfeit of lefties always bleating on about social justice,  a fair go for all , and other such unrealistic bunkum .   You could do your party no harm by having a grant from Sport Australia  sent our way to revitalize the homing pigeon club .  The way things have been of late with the phone lines down we may end up needing the pigeons to carry letters in the event of an emergency , a fact which may lend strength to your case when you parley with those cashed up power brokers in the big smoke .

 We don't expect half a million , like Tony's rowing club , but if you could pony up a few grand we would be most grateful .     Please post our grant as a wad of tenners , if you can .  The banks all closed down in Kooralya years ago since there wasn't enough money laundering going on locally for them to make a profit , hence there is nowhere to present a bank draft  .    

 Thanking you in advance ,   Your comrade ,  Ken 
 

Reference :- As hospitals struggle to cope with patient numbers , we are told plans are afoot to deal with the problem .

Reference :-    To relieve crowding at public hospitals , we are being told that more patients should be treated at home .

What a great idea .  Many simple procedures don't need a hospital , so why not treat a sick elderly person in their own stinking hot filthy kitchen ?   Sure , there will be countless hours of wasted time as health professionals sit in traffic jams and commute through the endless maze of toll roads while their sat nav keeps dropping out .  And they might sometimes drive miles  looking for a park .  And they might  do their backs in lugging bags of gear .  And something important might get left behind at the hospital occasionally .    But even taking all that into account a nurse might still see three or more patients each day in their own homes . Somewhat fewer than the thirty they might see in the hospital environment , but think of the savings in building costs and the power bills for air conditioning alone .    There could be even more savings if medical waste can simply be chucked into the patient's wheelie bin rather than processed at a special facility . 

You have to admit , these economists and private health funds sure know how to run a medical service .     Before long we will rival the USA for efficiency .    

 Your comrade , Ken 

Reference :- Prime Minister and astute marketer Mr Scott Morrison announced he is spending millions on fire recovery.

Reference :-   Large sums of money are being mentioned in dispatches ,  however  we need to see them in perspective .

But first ,  many overseas news outlets have a habit of calling Mr Scott Morrison esquire " Scomo ".    They do this to be deliberately disrespectful , and sometimes  mention that they find the Australian penchant for trivial nicknames annoyingly childish .    A tradesman is a " tradie " . An electrician is a " sparkie ".  A firefighter is a  " fierie " .  And so on . That does seem to trivialize important skills that require years of training .   Personally I would prefer that my house renovation was done by a tradesman , the solar panels fitted by an electrician , and the nearby bush fires contained by fire fighters . Most certainly I would prefer to have my heart valve replaced by a cardiothoracic surgeon and not a "mitralvalvie ".    

 Anyway , when Mr Morrison proudly announced that he is bringing forward ( which means it is not additional to previous amounts )   50 million quid to help the fire victims ,  I was initially very impressed .   Then my son , Ken junior , pointed out that it is in fact taxpayer's dough , and furthermore, informed me that the insurance companies have so far logged about 1,300 million in claims .   Well , I guess that does make 50 million look tiny , but then he told me that the government's tax revenue for last year was about 350,000 million .   Odds bodkins that is a lot of money !    So the recent announcement is of the order of one seven thousandth of the annual budget expenditure.    As a percentage of my humble income , the carton of beer I gave the fire fighters after they saved my house was twenty times that .

Still , there is more to come .  Hopefully a great deal more .   

 Your comrade ,   Ken   

 

 

 

Reference :- Thousands of demonstrators shut down our capital cities .

Reference :-    Ten of thousands of people attending rallies throughout the nation are calling for our respected Prime Minister and renowned advertising genius Mr Scott Morrison to resign . 

Gee Mr Morrison , sir ,  What does it take to please some people ?   People voted to have an advertising expert as Prime Minister , and now they are critical when you run a little advertisement  promoting yourself during a national crisis . What did they expect ?    It was quite stirring music in the advert , I thought , and nicely chosen footage of you looking like you are capable .. of something .   And of course ,  you highlighted plenty of expenditure figures that look like huge sums to the poor average punter who hasn't had a wage rise since their television set went digital.

Well the advert may have backfired badly ,  along with all your public appearances , but hey , you can always pretend to throw bucket loads of money about , and stall by saying your are considering a Royal Commission and can't suggest any actual policies until that has been run .   The media  has been doing a pretty good job blaming greenies for turning the country into a tinderbox , and arsonists for starting the fires , despite the fire chiefs saying this is not true . That gives you a bit of breathing space for now , but the fire season has a long time to run  , and you need something to shore up your position .   You can buy some more time by blaming the states for everything , but that won't be enough .   

Meanwhile , I suggest you discharge your current public relations spivs . Here at The Sky Reply we have our team of experts working on a campaign to  restore your credibility, if that is still possible .
In view of the billions of quid the government will have to suck from it's budget surplus , we are prepared to offer our services gratis .   However , if you felt comfortable having a word with the police  commissioner about my son Ken junior's recent fine for unlicensed driving , I would be forever grateful, and of course , totally discreet .        

   Your  comrade , Ken .              


  


     

Reference:- Sky News has declared war again . This time on Iran .

Reference :-    Sky News announcer James Morrow ran a segment declaring war on Iran.  Previously , anchor in absentia  , Andy Bolt,  had declared war on China .  How very helpful of Sky News to shoulder the responsibility for declaring wars on our behalf .

That's very plucky of you James , did you remember to pack a spare pair of spectacles in case you need them when you hit the front line .  Here at The Sky Reply we had our team of investigative journalists working into the  night trying to confirm your story . My son , Ken junior , gave up about midnight , after finding nothing ,  and his mates Monte (the motorcycle enthusiast ) and Gabbo ( the aborigine ) were likewise unsuccessful . 

  Ken junior and Monte were pretty annoyed about having their time wasted , but Gabbo spent a few hours listening to the Iranian foreign minister ,   Mr Javid Zarif  .  They have such weird names over there in the middle east .  They obviously don't realize that if they changed their names to ones of anglo-saxon origin they would fuel less xenophobia over here in the advanced nations .

Anyway , Gabbo reckons this Javid fellow is as smart as paint , and the most well spoken and reasonable sounding political figure he has ever listened too.   Apparently , James , Iran doesn't want to have this war you are promoting , so I guess it isn't a goer .    As the saying goes , " It takes two to Tango ".    Or in this instance perhaps we should say   " It takes two to Bandari "    ( Bandari being a very colourful Persian traditional dance . )

 Ah well , don't be too disappointed James , at least you have saved on spectacles , and they don't  look like cheap ones to me .      

  Your comrade, Ken

Reference :- The local wild life is invading the premises at The Sky Reply .

Reference:-  The drought has forced some of the local wildlife into my domicile, in search of food and water.

First it was a possum and a bandicoot who decided it was worth taking the risk of coming into the house for food.  The possum, in particular, is quite happy to take pieces of apple from my hand, and what cute little fingers it has.  The bandicoot is more cautious. They are an odd-looking creature,  with their long pointy snout, and I guess it looks at me and thinks". I don't like getting too close to that weird-looking animal with its ridiculous little nose ".

Various birds and a couple of bush turkeys roll up each morn to be fed. They are unafraid of me and must have passed this trait on via their double helices since the newly hatched chicks pay me no respect.  If a bird of prey flies overhead, they rush into the house for cover, even if that means trampling over an old bloke lying on the floor doing some morning stretches.

 But yesterday a juvenile magpie looking very threadbare, though a lively individual, landed on my breakfast table requesting some tucker . I gave it some of my best steak ( apologies to vegans, I know you are right, but some of us are weak. )  , and it seemed to enjoy eating on a table for a change, although it eschewed cutlery and condiments.

Today the magpie returned with the confidence of somebody who has established a new routine and once again joined my breakfast table.   I now quite enjoy not dining alone at breakfast, although on this occasion the little bugger, amply fed, launched itself from the table by doing a clawing wheelie across the top of my collection of Val Doonican  LP s.

They say that magpies are smart, but they can't be that smart if they don't appreciate the dulcet tones of Val Doonican. Although, at least they haven't foolishly caused the collapse of an entire planetary ecosystem.
 

  Your comrade, Ken

Reference : - Liberal MP Craig Kelly was interviewed by an experienced British meteorologist . Oh dear .

Reference :-    Craig didn't look good in this interview with British meteorologist Laura Tobin , but then he dug an even deeper grave for himself later on Facebook.  

 Holy cow Craig .   It was bad enough that you were excoriated in the interview , but did you have to leap on facebook and throw your already cooked goose into the incinerator ?   It is always wise to know who your interviewer actually is , and not simply assume she is some Fox bimbo .   And you had the time to check that out before your fingers touched the Facebook keyboard to foolishly type the following childish insult .   "  Ignorant pommy weather girl calls me a climate change denier "     That sure is a beauty Craig .   I don't know how you could have crammed more sexism , racism , or science denial into fewer words . I suspect you may be a natural poet .

But to put you straight , Laura Tobin is actually a qualified meteorologist . She attained her degree in Physics and Meteorology from Reading University 17 years ago and has vast experience , including as a meteorological advisor for the Royal Air Force . 

 Which begs the question Craig , what are your qualifications ? And I mean beyond furniture sales , which didn't work out very well for you .  Maybe you should put a link on Facebook so we can marvel at your great academic achievements .   Meanwhile , have you noticed the hurtful and vile comments you have triggered ?    It says a lot about your cohort of followers that they would call a female scientist they have never met a " trollop " .  That doesn't sound very gentlemanly to me , or am I just old fashioned Craig ?   Perhaps you could ask your fans to try and be more polite . 

The propaganda pamphlet , unjustifiably called " The Australian ",   applauded you for how you handled  the interview , which was rather like cheering Goliath after he had copped a flogging by young David in that bible story .

 My son , Ken junior  , doesn't like you Craig , and has a nickname for you .  When you come on the tube he always shouts out  " Hey dad , that  Grace Kelly guy is on again" .   I don't quite get the joke , but it has something to do with you being the antithesis of that movie star's beauty , poise and intelligence .  It's not as cruel as "ignorant pommy" or "trollop"  , but it's about as hard as he likes to go.  He is a quarter of your age Craig , but gave up resorting to puerile taunts in primary school .

I guess that shortly Andy Bolt will be back , and you will have a chance to vent your spleen in an interview .  If you want some advice about how to handle yourself so you don't appear too stupid  ,  I reckon I can talk Ken junior into tutoring you beforehand  .  He only charges 10 quid an hour so it should only cost you a few grand to learn the basics .   

  Your comrade , Ken

 
    

 
 

 

 

Reference :- Andy Bolt , where the bloody hell are ya ?

Reference :-   Sky News anchor Andy Bolt is still away from his desk .  Could it be that after months of telling us that there was nothing cataclysmic happening with the weather , he feels a bit stupid? 

 Come on Andy , don't sulk . So you were wrong , but hey , everybody makes a monumental cock up from time to time . It's only human , and you are not the first person to spend months making ridiculous  unsubstantiated claims while viciously mocking those who know better .  Nobody is saying you were being deliberately dishonest , though some might think it . 

 Like most of your fans I am perfectly willing to accept your misguided ravings as merely a hideous gaff, occasioned by your own profoundly unsound thinking .   Some people are very reluctant to admit their errors , and red faced , will splutter with fury when accused of making fallacious arguments .  But that isn't you , is it Andy ?   You are man enough to just front foot it and say  "   Everything I have said for the past few months has been breathtakingly untrue , and I humbly apologise for my defective reasoning ".

And Andy , don't think anybody got any pleasure out of watching you make a total fool of yourself .  Well,  except maybe for my son Ken junior's mate Gabbo ( the aborigine ) .  He keeps reminding us that his people managed the country for over 60, 000 years , and then a bunch of pig headed white idiots stuffed the place totally in a handful of decades .  

Please  come back  Andy , and face the music like the honorable man we know you are .  Gabbo may laugh  his head off at you initially , but hey , then he will forgive .  He is that kind of guy . 

 Your comrade , Ken 

          

      

Reference :- Sky anchor Chris Smith blamed " Greenies " for the severe bushfires .

Reference :-   Apparently , says Chris Smith , the fires wouldn't be as bad if crazy greenies hadn't stopped load reduction burning .  Is he scapegoating ?

 Gee Chris .  There are 129 local councils in NSW , and there are only 5 sitting green Mayors .  Less than a quarter of local councils in NSW even  have a greenie on council.   Those five greenie mayors must be pretty bloody influential if they have wrecked the whole state .  Oh , and by the way , for many years the Greens have had a bushfire policy that includes back burning and load reduction burning .

Former NSW  Fire and Rescue Commissioner , Greg Mullins , has stated "  Blaming greenies is a familiar and populist , but basically untrue claim  ".

And , of course , it goes without saying that the greens have not been in government at state or federal level since ..... oh that's right ..... ever . 

It sure looks like you made a blue with this one Chris .  If you need another scapegoat , my son Ken junior can help you out . He reckons scapegoating the greens is so ridiculous that it shouldn't be too hard to find another  more plausible group to blame .   He wonders if you have thought of blaming the feral goats ?    God knows what they are doing to the environment . They breed like mad out here, and while everything else is dying in the drought they somehow manage to survive ..... a little too well if you ask me . 

   Ken junior is happy to research it for you Chris , as you obviously have no time for research yourself.

 And the worst you can do is to be half wrong , because even if it turns out that they aren't responsible , they are still goats , hey Chris . 

Your comrade , Ken .
 

Reference :- First Dog on the Moon is back in today's Guardian .

Reference :-   First Dog on the Moon has returned , thank heavens .  We were going through withdrawal out here in Kooralya .

What a lovely surprise , thank you Mr Marlton .  Sadly as your cartoon winged it's way through the ether to our humble farm , it picked up a lot of soot and ash , and arrived at my son Ken junior's laptop badly discoloured .   Nevertheless it is still a sight for sore eyes .     Later , I heard on the wireless that the millions of native creatures you reminded us we have killed with our foolishness have now been more accurately quantified  by scientists .   They reckon the figure is around 650 million ..and rising .   As a species we sure have allowed greed to blot our copybook badly . 

 Thanks again for coming back .

  Your comrade , Ken

Reference :- Where are the usual Sky News anchors ? We miss them .

Reference :-   With the country in flames and images on the news the like of which we have never seen before , you would think that Andy Bolt and Co wouldn't be able to resist telling us how to think about it all.

 Andy , we are all stocked up with popcorn here , and eagerly anticipate the reappearance of you and your compadres at Sky News .  What next , my man , what next ?   First you told me that the kids shouldn't be missing school to protest climate change . In fact a government minister even told them they would be better off at school learning how to mine coal .   Then you expressed  concern that all the talk about climate change was needlessly frightening them .  ( I know you couldn't care less about anybody's kids , but hey , they don't know that ) .  And now , in your absence , they are being needlessly frightened by being told to stay indoors because of the smoke , as they watch the local school collapse in a smouldering pile of ashes .

  I have no idea what to tell the kids next , but Andy , I am sure you have something clever to say about it all that will calm them down .   Obviously I can't tell them to go back to school , or not to be frightened of the fires in the nearby hills . Especially since the local firefighters came to the house and told us they don't have the resources to protect us , and we are on our own .   Any suggestions ?  Have you got any more of those sepia  newspapers that show us it was worse than this in the past ?   And what has become of your weather genius mate ,  Mr Rowan Dean ?   He used to cheer us up with pictures of record snow in one of the countries that isn't experiencing record heatwaves  or record droughts , and the mature way he calmly analysed the data was reassuring . 

 My son , Ken junior  , fears you may not be coming back , and feels deserted .   I tell him there are probably record fires surrounding your domicile too , and that you , like many others , are trapped and out of everything from food to toilet paper .  If that is the case , don't fret Andy , for Mr Morrison can be relied upon to look after you .  As he says , you just have to be patient and hold on .

Anyway Andy , we look forward to hearing you explain to us again that the heat records are based on rigged figures , and that the fires are neither unprecedented nor catastrophic .   The popcorn is ready .

    Your comrade , Ken .   

 P.S.   If you are talking to Mr Morrison could you advise him to stay away from the smoke , it is making him hyperventilate when he is interviewed and it gives the impression he can't cope .

  

 

Reference :- Has anybody noticed this ?

Reference :-     The bushfires are a national disaster , and for weeks now the television has been showing us interviews with professional firefighters , volunteers and folk dealing with the crises as they arise .   Have others noticed what I have , about these interviews ?


We are so accustomed to the slick marketing lines that pour from the mouths of our political leaders , that listening to the fire chiefs reminds us that, thankfully , not everybody in authority is an
incompetent self serving sociopath .   Mr Morrison is incapable of concealing his indifferent smirk, and many of the others , though smirk free , can't hide their annoyance .   You can tell they are thinking  "  Why did this have to happen on my watch ? "   But the fire chiefs , and emergency personnel ,  despite missing out on the government's  190,000 quid  " how to connect with ordinary people " training sessions ,  reveal themselves  as intelligent , competent and empathic  .

Unlike our politicians , they don't speak in cliches , they are not self serving , and they know what they are talking about .  And unlike many of our highest paid news presenters, they are not smug , egotistical and self opinionated .
That is quite a relief , though one can't help but wonder why the people charged with the responsibility of running the country , and informing us of current affairs, are generally of such low calibre .
I guess that ultimately it is our own fault , because we vote for them , or tune into them . 

 If we didn't  they would all be out of a job . 

   
   Your comrade ,  Ken    

Reference :- Australian rock star Tex Perkins gave Prime Minister Mr Morrison the finger during a New Year's concert in Sydney .

Reference :-   It was mentioned on the wireless that Mr Perkins  " appeared to have suffered no consequences after he insulted the Prime Minister , since he was on stage again within the hour to continue singing ".     What consequences should we expect ?

Personally I am not a huge fan of Tex Perkins , though the song in question ,
" The Honeymoon is Over " is pretty catchy .   My son , Ken junior is a fan .  He bought me one of those CD things and a disc  so I could listen to Tex , but each time I feel the need to relax with a beer and calm the soul with some music , I usually go straight to the gramophone and put on a Val Doonican record . 

But I wonder what it is that folk think could have happened to Tex , after he waved his digit in the direction of Kirribilli?     Did they think a swat team might arrive and drag him off to Guantanamo Bay or something ?   When you think about it , even the New York Times has described Australia's government as the most secretive in the western world , and what with dozens of laws being passed over the past few years that have knocked us out of the top twenty countries for freedom of the press , maybe Tex should watch out .

Back in the good old days , you could throw a shoe at the Prime Minister , even a humorless one  like Mr Howard , and nobody thought for a moment there could be serious consequences .   And the cops didn't have such a large arsenal of lethal weapons , as I recall.

 Anyway , I was going to put that CD thing into the player and listen to Tex sing " The Honeymoon is Over "  , as a tribute to Mr Morrison  when I noticed my favourite Val Doonican  album and remembered  it featured the song " The Party is Over " .  So I  am playing that instead .    It's manages to reveal the same sentiment more calmly .   I particularly like the lines

                                            "It's time to break up , this masquerade .
                                              Just make your mind up,
                                              The piper must be paid. "

 I guess the problem for Mr Morrison is that paying the piper might hurt the budget surplus .

 Ken junior , the pest , just yelled something about  " turn that crap off dad , I can't stand it "  so I had better go for now .  
                                  Your comrade , Ken