Reference :- After hesitating for a bit , Mr Morrison confronted the media . He didn't disappoint us.
It was a challenge , wasn't it Mr Morrison , sir ? After such a public relations catastrophe , there was little time for excogitation . How could you hastily script an apology without looking guilty and weak ? Well the answer to that , is that you couldn't . Neither could your PR spivs . All may not yet be lost , however , and I herewith offer some damage control advice , before it's too late .
1 . If you decide to use your children as a cowardly excuse , go hard for God's sake . Don't pussy foot around with pathetic statements like " As a dad , I didn't want to disappoint the kids and not keep my Christmas promise to them . " For starters , as you well know, any mention of keeping promises is a political joke . And when you demean yourself like that you had better make it worthwhile . Perhaps you could say that the kids had asthma and the doctors had insisted that they escape from the smoke for a few days and get some fresh air . " The night before we left we were up all night with ventolin puffers , and the kids were crying because they didn't want to go . " That sort of thing .
2 Let's move on to the question of secrecy. Not just secrecy either . Your office lied to the press about your whereabouts . Lying looks very bad indeed . Why not say that you had received threats from somebody who claimed they were coming after you ? You could thank the officers from the witness protection program for their skill and experience. It is quite a plausible excuse , since the list of people , from farmers to firefighters , who bear you ill will , is longer than the shoe inventory of Imelda Marcos .
3 . You must come to terms with the fact that the phrase " climate change " sticks in your larynx like an activist to a footpath . If you can't convincingly spit it out , avoid it completely .
4. What were you thinking when you tried to soften people with the promise that you would save them 60 odd quid from next year's power bill ? That wouldn't cover the cost of smoke masks for the average family . Futhermore , your "precious " , the budget surplus, has lost it's golden shine , and is best left unmentioned . Every economist in the world , excluding you and that perpetually confused young chap, Josh Frydenberg , is calling it a mistake .
5. I know you have impressive credentials as a marketer , but people are becoming more canny these days , and telling them what to think just doesn't cut it anymore . You were probably taught to nod your head while saying " Of course , I know you understand . " It may disappoint your PR spivs , but sadly that cheap marketing ploy doesn't work anymore .
6. So what to do ? You can't go back to marketing tourism . Who wants to come to a country that is mostly in flames , stricken with drought , hideously hot , and wilfully destroying the world's largest reef ? Nevertheless , my advice is that you admit the job is too hard for you , and hand in your resignation . Let some other poor sucker try and run the place . Our rich tradition of cushy job offers from the mining sector should serve you well, so you won't be completely redundant .
7. One last thing , early January is probably the best time for you to do a runner . That way you won't disrupt the religious festivities , but there will still be plenty of left over booze and party hats for people to enjoy a good old whoop up.
Well , that's all for now . I hope all your Christmas shopping is done . The shops have been quite empty of late , but with the latest upbeat economic news from Josh, I expect the customers will soon be flooding the floors .
Your comrade , Ken
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